I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
