If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
