I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
