Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
