Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Are my feet made of real feet?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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