that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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