you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
