I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
