you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
