i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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