I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize