New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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