When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
