This is not my ceiling
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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