She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Congratulations! We have a period
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