Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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