ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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