So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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