did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
