Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
