Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I understand Curling. That high.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
