Swine flu. Run for my life!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize