i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
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