I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
