i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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