I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
