1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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