I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
