he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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