When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
