Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
