i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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