You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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