I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
