I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
