dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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