i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
