I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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