I think my vagina is haunted
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
