You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
