i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
