Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I will die if light touches me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
