I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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