I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I believe in your delicious
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
