Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
