I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
my liver is dry heaving
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
