mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just found puke in my bra..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
