Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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