Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
soo... how was my night?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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