Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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