I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
