i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
