so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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