I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I wear drunk well.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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