you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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