Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
