grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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