If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
