god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
