he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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