i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
